Internet Detective: Zodiacal Extrapolations and Statistics 01


Internet Detective Zodiac

I recently discovered this image on my un-filtered, familial-forced social-media platform, and decided to conduct a full investigation into the accuracy of its claims, language, and extrapolated statistics. To make this process as scientifically legitimate as possible, I will be posting my methods and reasoning below. Please, look over my work, and comment on my accuracy.

  • Step One: Excessive or unnecessary capitalization, punctuation, and grammar errors can muddle a statement to illegibility. These errors will corrected or changed to a universally accepted form of proper communication.
  • Step Two: For communicative clarification, all synonyms will be changed to a single term representative of the original meaning.
  • Step Three: Also for communicative clarification, all colloquialisms and overly-worded phrases will be simplified to single universally-understood terms representative of the original meaning.
  • Step Four: Many descriptions contain terms indicating rank, but lack a collectively-applicable scale. These terms will be equivocated to an appropriate rank from 1 to 3. Attributes lacking a rank will be assigned Rank 1.
  • Step Five: When a single entity is given multiple rankings for a single category, the rankings will be compiled into a single sum for the category.
  • Step Six: After extensive study, no correlation between author headings and an entity’s attributes could be found. Additionally, the headings were occasionally contradicting or non-existent and sources of bias. These headings will be removed.
  • Step Seven: For reference clarification, categories will be listed alphabetically.

(Continue Reading)

Walking With Siri 1: Madman


Today, a collection of incidents – spousal car repair, collegiate schedules, and computer modification supply runs – formed a situation in which the least annoying path involved me walking the 2.5 mile distance (approximately 50 city blocks) from Wal-Mart to home. This is a considerable distance – especially for a desk-dweller like myself – but it is far from enough to warrant the reactions I’ve received for walking it.

First, Morgan’s (Mrs. Wife’s) reaction.

Dillon: Just let me out at Wal-Mart. You can go on to class and I can just walk home.

Morgan: Walk? You can’t walk that far!

Dillon: Yes, I can. It’s not bad. I lived in New York City for several months. I know how to walk.

Morgan: But what if you die? Or sprain your ankle? Or get tired? I wouldn’t mind if I were home where I could come get you, but I’ll be in class.

Dillon: … It’s really not that far. I’ll be fine.

Morgan: … I’m really not comfortable with this.

Dillon: Don’t worry about it. I’ll send you live updates.

Morgan: How will that help?

Dillon: If they ever stop, you’ll know I’ve died… or forgotten. One of the two.

Morgan: … (Continue Reading)

Lessons Learned from PC Repair


Like the Great Rafiki and Mister Miyogi before me, it is my goal to pass on the knowledge and wisdom gained from years of experience. However, instead of Savannah Survival Tactics or Car Wash Expertise, I will reveal lessons from the ancient art of PC Repair.

  • Your Client does not care for their computer. You are not a monthly check-up. You are the emergency surgeon turned to when the heart stops. There will be oceans of dust, inexplicably broken components, and volcano-grade burn marks. Close your mouth, keep the peace, and show them The Way through example.
  • Your Client trusts you unconditionally. This is evident from the bank statements, password logs, diary entries, and explicit photos of their significant other left (appropriately labeled) on their desktop. Access corrupts, and absolute access corrupts absolutely. Close their files, keep your focus, and show them their trust is well deserved.
  • Your Client’s computer will not operate in the way you expect. It is an evil, conniving beast, locked in a cage of misuse and mediocrity. It will change its programming to spite you. It will alter its DNA to be slightly more annoying. Close your mind to its attacks, keep your wits about you, and show it who is dominant.
  • Your Client’s manufacturer will fail you. Ignore their promises of aid in times of distress. Your call will go unanswered, your hands unfilled, and your temper firmly unabated. They will distract you, lie to you, and pervert your meaning. Close your phone, keep your minutes, and show them they are unworthy of your time.
  • Your Client is secretly brilliant. They will hide under the guise of ignorance, but it is a ruse. They are watching the only corner you cut. They are astutely aware of your few failures. Where you struck stone after hours of searching, they strike gold in minutes. Close your mouth, keep your peace, and show them humility is a virtue.

Take these lessons, my young internet-children, and make a better world… with bloat-free operating systems.